Section 1
IN THIS LESSON
Grief is an ocean.
Grief and loss affect our communities in countless ways. Most of our communities have cultural protocols and ceremonial practices to support us in the process of grief, and are important for us to lean on. In the midst of the overdose crisis we are experiencing a profound level of grief, and we hope this section supports you in incorporating grief work into your circle.
Grief is powerful. Grief can be turned into fuel to foster and inspire change. That being said, not everyone always has the space, time, resources, or privilege to fully experience their grief in a way that feels safe. Sometimes it just feels like pure pain. When we are unable to face our grief, it can morph into fear and anger. When we lose someone to an overdose or to their drug use, our unprocessed grief can breed a desire for and belief in things like criminalization and banishment towards people engaging in the same behaviors or lifestyles that contributed to the loss we experienced.
It is important to sit with the grief. Grief is intense and can feel all-consuming, yet given the tools – and the opportunities to practice these tools – we do not have to be afraid of it. Being around others who also loved and lost the same person as us, gathering, sharing stories, creating things in their name, and holding ceremony (big or small!) to honor them are all things that we can do to respect the experience of our grief.
Remember that grief comes in all forms, and at all stages. We grieve people even when they’re still in our lives, we grieve a certain version of them we haven’t seen in a long time, sometimes we even start grieving their death while they’re still alive to brace ourselves for losing them completely. More often than not, grief is complicated and messy rather than simple, and it is normal to have a lot of seemingly contradictory feelings about a loss. This is especially true if we’ve lost someone to an overdose, or another drug-related death. Usually in these instances, we’ve already been having many complicated feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, and confusion in response to their drug use – and that doesn’t simply disappear when they die.
Grief and Mourning
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“Anticipatory mourning” (or anticipatory grief) is a feeling of grief occurring before an impending loss. It’s commonly used in the context of terminal illnesses, and is easily translated into the context of heavy, chaotic, and/or harmful drug use. If you have experienced anticipatory grief of someone before they actually die, you probably know that even though you may have “anticipated” this death, it doesn’t necessarily make it any easier once it actually comes. People can feel stuck in grieving cycles as they step into the role of caregiver, on-call emergency responder, and social worker, all while managing the weight of their own emotional and spiritual experience.
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Cultural grief practices are the ceremonial, cultural, or otherwise community centered practices and protocols that help us move through grief and transmute our loss. The cultural practices of each community are different and some of these practices can’t be shared externally, but we encourage programs and efforts to include options for grief that might range from talking circles to ceremony. Grief in our communities has almost always been done collectively and with togetherness – grieving alone or in isolation can even hurt us deeper than the initial loss. We deserve the space to mourn and process in our cultural ways, and offering this kind of support is one of the ways we can show up for ourselves and each other.
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One of the reasons it can be difficult to know how to support people through a loss is because we are completely powerless over fixing it — there’s nothing we can do to change the situation. It’s understandable that we may want to say the right thing to be helpful and somehow “make things better,” but that’s rarely within our power. It can be an incredibly isolating experience of helplessness to lose someone, and sometimes we just need someone to sit with us in that helplessness, rather than trying to fix it. Usually, just being a witness to someone in their grief is enough. Sitting in silence, speaking out loud the name of the person they lost, following up a month or a year later to check in on them about their loss, sharing stories – even just simply saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” – are all meaningful ways of showing the person you care, without overcomplicating it.
Supporting Someone Else: Helpful Language
The discomfort we might feel when someone we love is deep in their grief might make us avoid the topic, try to brush past the conversation when it’s mentioned, or even avoid the person altogether. However, pushing past these tendencies and leaning into the discomfort can be transformative for the person you’re supporting and for your relationship between each other. When we’re grieving, other people’s avoidance can lead us to feel alone or that our emotions are “too messy”, “too complicated”, or that we’re feeling them for “too long”. Having a loved one reach out to be there for us in those moments gives us permission to feel our emotions and for our bodies to process through our loss.
Rather than saying something to try to fix or rush someone through their grief, consider framing what you say to honor and respect the experience of loving someone who is gone. Here are a few examples of “typical” responses, and examples of responses that may be more supportive for the person.
“I’m sure that whatever form they are in now, they can feel your love.”
Instead of This
“They would want you to move on.”
Try This
“Their suffering didn’t just disappear with them. It makes sense that you may be feeling the heaviness of the suffering they left behind.”
“At least they are no longer suffering.”
“Tell me about them! What was their name? What were they like?”
“It was for a reason; it was their time.”